Truthful Truths About Celebrities
Who needs Days of Our Lives when you have the Warnes? Last week New Idea ran an exclusive interview with Shane's newly ex, ex-wife, Simone Callahan, where she announced Warnie's latest text-related indiscretion to the world. Warne quickly stepped up to the crease, releasing a statement the same day denying his ex's allegations, claiming the couple had already called it quits and there was no affair while they were still "together". Talk about a biff made in tabloid in heaven.
Clearly the mags agree because the Warnie and Simone are back in the headlines this week with round two. Simone has stepped up to the mic again in New Idea. "Simone hits back: Shane's a bully and a liar", declares the magazine's cover. To cut a long and confusing story short, she took Shane's stray text message as a sign of confirmation that he had been doing the dirty for the past few months, which she reckons had started before their latest separation.
"Look at Shane's track record: he hasn't been honest for the past 10 years, why would he be now?" Can't argue with that, Simone. One very large point to Team Callahan. Minus 200 to Team Warnie.
Woman's Day attempts to cash in on the drama with its frankly fanciful assertion: "Jemima finally confesses: I'm Shane's other woman". That's Jemima, as in Khan. Sorry WD, but we're not buying it. As if a super-posh toff such as Jemima Khan, whose most recent beau was Hugh Grant, would touch a rich bogan such as Shane Warne with a barge pole?
Yeah, yeah, so he's good at cricket, but we doubt that Jemima could care less. Been there and done that, guys. Does the name Imran ring a bell?
Another favourite celebrity couple of the mag world, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, are back in the headlines this week. Actually, they've never really gone away; like Angelina and Brad, they're always annoyingly in there somewhere.
New Idea announces Tom and Katie's "scientology sex scandal". For some bizarre reason, the couple are reportedly taking "sex lessons" so they can learn to have "better sex". "Tom and Katie will have to share every detail of their sex life with an adviser, 'an intimate relationship guide', who will analyse their lovemaking and suggest improvements."
We don't know why Tom doesn't just ask Warnie for a few tips - he obviously has extensive experience to draw from, especially if you count his dexterity in the area of text sex.
Moving onto Famous, the magazine shines this week at what it does best: obsessing about celebrity weight gain/loss. Poor Sienna Miller cops it this time: "Fat and Miserable: Unhappy Sienna's piling on the kilos." Rather disappointingly, instead of a morbidly obese Sienna, the story's accompanying pictures show a new Sienna that looks a lot like the old one, except that instead of being rail thin, the actress is now just plain old thin after adding a gargantuan three kilograms to her frame. Eating disorders anonymous here we come.
If Sienna Miller is fat we wonder how Famous would describe Oprah, who is under scrutiny in New Idea for a different reason. It claims Opes is a bit of a spendthrift, blowing a million a week on "personal expenses", which includes "chauffers, chefs, housekeepers, secretaries and even a pet nanny for her golden retrievers", as well as other little indulgences such as using her GulfStream Jet to fly her favourite cupcakes from Los Angeles to her home in Chicago.
It's enough to make anyone fat and happy.
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