Is the Kate Moss the new Britney Spears? Quite possibly, if this week's mags are to be believed. News is that Moss has reunited with her seriously demented former boyfriend: the druggie, cheater and aspiring criminal Pete Doherty.
After throwing him out of her house last month for sleeping around, the filthy rich masochist, I mean, model, has retrieved Doherty from his new home in the gutter and treated him to a stay in a $3600-a-night-suite at London's glamorous Claridge's hotel. The couple were apparently "holed up" in the hotel together, "rekindling" their love.
"She's a lost cause when it comes to Pete," says Famous, stating the bleeding obvious.
"It's like he can do absolutely anything he likes - cheat on her, flout the law - and she just doesn't care."
NW says Doherty's crazed behaviour also includes feeding his cat crack cocaine. We're hoping it's because that was all he had in the fridge (which is quite feasible, given his scrawny frame) rather than a deliberate act of cruelty.
Oh well, at least the drama has given Spears a well-earned break from her top spot in the most-screwed-up-celebrity race. Not that the mags are ignoring Spears entirely. An unusual absence of any real news about the former singer hasn't stopped NW from fashioning a revelatory story about her hair.
Story Continues Below
The two-page feature is pegged to the nascent regrowth of Brit's real hair - a much-anticipated development after she shaved her head during a meltdown a few months ago. The magazine features a gallery of pics tracking the evolution of Brit's interim hair - including an array of wigs and hair extensions in every shade of blonde and brown, as well as a pretty pink.
"It seems the sleazier and weirder Britney's behaviour has been in recent months, the messier and dirtier her hair has become," the magazine offers in an attempt at Freudian analysis.
Also in need of a session on the couch is Jordan. The balloon-chested celeb isn't exactly renowned for her sense of modesty but even we were shocked by her latest revelation. "I'm thinking of having my vagina tightened," she says in Famous. "After three kids, I really notice the difference. By the time I'm finished I'll be like a nun." OK, err, thanks for that.
Another future candidate for vaginal surgery is the pregnant starlet Nicole Richie, who is also in the news this week after finally completing her stint in prison for driving under the influence of drugs.
Story Continues Below
Richie was reportedly petrified of serving her four-day jail term but it turns out that she needn't have worried. The LA County Sheriff's Department was seemingly overcome with compassion, sending Richie back to her mansion after, NW says, a whopping 35 minute stay in her cell. It's amazing what a couple of free Lionel Richie CDs and Simple Life DVDs will get you.
Speaking of babies, Woman's Day gushes over the Scientologist and actor Jenna Elfman's newborn son. Elfman confirms our suspicions about Scientologists - that they are weird and capable of cruelty - with the announcement her baby's name: Story. At the very least it'll make playtime with that other famous Scientology offspring, Suri, a potential tongue-twisting nightmare.
Giving their babies embarrassing made-up names isn't the only trend among the faithful. NW tells us that Suri's mum and dad are sleeping in separate bedrooms in their new $43 million home.
Apparently it's because Katie Holmes can't bear Tom Cruise's snoring but she admits she enjoys having her own "cluster of suites" because she's been able to decorate them to her taste, which includes the placement of a "small carousel and many stuffed animals".
We imagine there's still a lot of spare room at the Cruises' house. Maybe they could offer Doherty somewhere to stay next time Moss chucks him out.