Dont Let Your Love Life Cool Off - Spice It Up

Your wife, girlfriend or mistress said that you are boring in bed. She says that it's the same thing every time you two are together and that nothing ever changes. What do you do to spice things up for her and you too?

Being boring or great in bed is in the loin of the beholder. And married sex can, in fact, become same time, same place, same everything. It often does. The problem with sex in a long-term relationship is that, quite often, couples keep on going with what worked before. We have compared this in the past to a dance routine executed in the same way over and over again. Once it was exhilarating, now it's just old and, yes, boring.

You ask us what you can do to "spice things up." A good question. You've probably already heard all the aphorisms, like do it in any room in the house except the bedroom. Great, except if you live in a studio apartment in Manhattan. Or take a bubble bath together. Fine, but that idea gets old, too, and then a steamy bath stops leading to steamy sex.

The point is that for every lingerie-wearing, sex toy-using, fantasy-acting idea one could come up with, eventually you run out of variations on the theme. Not that there is anything wrong with any of them. By all means, give them a try ... doing anything differently often works as a short-term solution in alleviating boredom. That's why couples usually have sex as soon as they check into a hotel. It's not necessarily the time away from the office -- or even the new lingerie -- that excites them. It's the change of scene.

The reason all of the "tricks" to keep romance alive ultimately fail is that lovemaking has to be more than just a bag of tricks in order to continue to grow and thrive. It should be about emotionally connecting and really being present for each other. At its best, it's a true expression of feelings and allows for vulnerability. It's about caressing, touching, kissing and holding each other -- and really wanting to give each other pleasure. We suspect that when your wife says she wants more than the same exact thing you did the last 50 times you made love; her real complaint is that she wants more intimacy.

This however is what we think. No one in the world is a better expert on what she wants in bed than your wife, or a better person to ask about how you could spice things up. Now, what about you? Surely, there are things you would like her to do differently as well. It is extremely likely that she's trapped in the same sex-by-numbers approach to lovemaking you are. If things are going to improve, you will both have to make some changes. You may find that just talking about what you want jump-starts passion.

We believe that sex is more about attitude than technique. The feeling of being wanted, cherished and loved trumps new positions every time. But new positions can be fun, too. To get some ideas, you may consider reading the Kama Sutra together. There are numerous versions of this 4th century Indian guide to sexual and spiritual happiness; some beautifully illustrated. It's as good a book on the topic as you can get, and a constant reminder that sex should be a natural and seamless part of your life together. If you want something more modern, try "The Joy of Sex."

There are few places in our lives where we feel more insecure than when it comes to making love. Therefore, when you and your wife discuss how to do away with sexual ennui, be extremely careful to speak with tact and understanding. (A lot of compliments won't hurt, either.) You should begin by saying how much importance you place on the intimate part of your lives, and how much you want to please her. Tell her that this is something you can only solve together, and how much fun you think it will be to do so. Provide a lot of positive re-enforcement, ask her what she likes and dislikes, and tell her what your needs are too. And, above all, once you know what she wants, don't have that become your new, never-to-be-modified routine, or it too will soon become boring. Allow this part of your life together to keep evolving and changing.

By the way, we applaud you for wanting to discover new ways to keep this part of your marriage fresh, and for being secure enough to ask the question.

Now, we need your help. If you are, or have ever been, in a sexless marriage or in a committed relationship where the man ended sex, we would love to hear from you. Please click this link, which will take you to our survey. We need the help of both men and women. A few minutes of your time can provide invaluable insight into a problem affecting so many marriages. It will only take you about 10 minutes. Thank you!

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